Are Some People Asking the Wrong Questions?

I've given a lot of thought to the following questions:

• What triggers my binge eating?
• How can I control/avoid binge eating?
• Why is it so hard to eat small portions?
• Etc., etc., etc.

Well, you know what? The question that's on my mind right now is, "Why is my appetite bigger than what is required to maintain a normal weight?" And part 2 of the question is, "How come my stomach happily accepts the large meals my appetite demands?" The assumption that my appetite IS bigger than my caloric needs is pretty much proven as my "natural" weight seems to be 50+ lbs. overweight.

I've decided to forgive myself for my large appetite by the way. Yes, I'd like to eat as little as I can manage without triggering massive binge eating and, yes, I'd like to gradually lose weight over time BUT I've demonstrated numerous times that I have great willpower over the short haul (6 to 12 months) only to face the long term reality that my choice is between being hungry 24/7 or being fat.  I have a naturally large appetite and I've always had it. It didn't develop gradually as I grew up or as I became fatter--I remember eating 2 large plates of supper and still wanting dessert when I was 6 years old. And yes, I was a chubby kid except for those times my family was too poor to buy enough food.

I follow a list of blogs focused on health and nutrition and many of them discuss why so many people are fat. They look at what types of foods we eat, when we eat, how fast we eat and how active/inactive we are. I don't see a lot of discussion about differing appetites. I define appetite as how much food feels like "enough" to turn off interest in eating more food.

For example, many people eat junk food frequently. Many of them eat a HANDFUL of chips and consider that a serving. Some eat a CEREAL BOWL full. But I, friends, eat the bag of chips--small, medium or large--and I'm just as happy to eat the last bite as the first.

Second example, let's say we're eating healthy--a meal of fruit, salad and veg/meat. Many people will eat 1/2 cup or less of the fruit, a cup or 2 of salad and about a cup each of vegetables and meat. So their total meal volume is between 4 and 5 cups and they'll consider that a huge meal. Okay, but if I follow my natural appetite I'll eat 2-4 cups of fruit, 3-5 cups of salad and still eat at least 2-3 cups of meat and vegetables. I'll be happily full but I definitely won't be forcing myself to eat the last bites.

I see a similar pattern with companion animals. With some cats, you can leave food out at all times and they'll maintain a nice weight; with others, you have to measure the food or they'll eat themselves fat.

I don't have a data-driven answer to my question, sadly, although I do have interesting background information. My father once confessed that my parents were so happy to have a healthy baby after the one before me died that they fed me each bottle/food meal until I spat the food out. In other words, from day one they conditioned me to eat as much food as I could hold. And I've already described my "natural" eating behavior from early childhood on.

When I had my son, I didn't follow my parents' example. I dished out a small portion of formula or food and when it was gone it was gone. My son is now 40 (gasp!) and has never had any problem with over-eating. He's been lean his entire life. But does that mean anything? His father had no weight problem either and ate whatever he wanted. I have an older brother (the one that died would have been the middle child) and while he has a healthy appetite he's never had as much trouble with his weight as I have and he eats smaller portions without willpower being involved.

So, I can't help wondering why I am cursed/blessed with my large appetite. Genetics? Parenting? What? I suppose it doesn't really matter, since it's not going to change, but I do wonder. What I do know is that it doesn't make me a bad person although the word glutton might/could apply.

3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back: Where's That Leave Me?

Hello to any and all who choose to read this post--hope you had a great summer.

First, if you came to this blog expecting a "pure Primal/Paleo/Ancestral" point of view, you'll need to read posts dated April 2012 or earlier or go elsewhere. From now on, I will only claim to be Human. I'll communicate what's going on and how I react.

If I had found the paleo community in my 20s, which assumes it would have existed then, I truly believe I could have followed that lifestyle all my life. Due to the conditioning from 40+ years of binge/starve eating cycles, plus the stresses life will always include, I'm not able to manage ancestral eating on a sustained basis although I continue to respect and admire those who can.

My current eating pattern seems to be supporting my health and well-being but it doesn't fit any of the above labels as I stress whole/real foods but also compromise around my entrenched emotional cravings. This post was hard to write as it's a confession of weakness, including a much-dreaded new mugshot.

In April 2012, I celebrated a full year of "ancestral" eating. The first 3 months were Primal, the next 6 were Primal plus fermented water kefir/yogurt, and the final 3 incorporated occasional processed treats. In March 2012, I believed I had achieved a permanent healthy regimen and was no longer an out-of-control binge eater. I was down at least 30 pounds from my starting weight and I felt better physically than I had in 20+ years.

BUT, on the emotional side I was not so good. I'd already suffered weeks of severe family-related stress and frankly it was stressful to consistently avoid processed foods. My stress and performance grew worse in May but I tried my best to hold on. The underlying problems were that I couldn't solve the ongoing family stresses and I was in denial that I could avoid all junk food forever. While many claim there's no such thing as food addiction, my symptoms are pretty damn close--it's always been all or nothing. In mid-May I cracked, people. Folded, collapsed, lost control. Yes, I finally found comfort but I found it in the old familiar standby, binge eating of processed junk foods.

As always, binge eating of processed foods made me feel like total crap and trust me when I say my loss of control and rapid weight gain did nothing good for my self-esteem. For about 2 months, I'd say I was clinically depressed and in addition to eating mostly junk food I instinctively avoided people--not just in person but by avoiding email and Facebook--all human contact. Not only did I shy away from writing blog posts, I stopped reading my extensive list of health/diet blogs.

The somewhat-good news is that I didn't settle into the junk food binge for long this time. In the past I would've wallowed in my misery for years. This time, I thought and thought and thought about what had gone so well for a whole year, what had gone so wrong in May and where that left me. I was also less tolerant of the heartburn and other physical symptoms of eating junk.

So, where I am now?
My current mental health is good because I'm pretty clear on who I believe I am--or, should I say, who I am not.

I am not comfortable with a plant-exclusive eating pattern. My natural lifestyle is clearly tilted toward meat although I truly enjoy greens, veggies and fruits. My emotional cravings insist junk food is all I need/want but that's a guaranteed ticket to GI issues and malaise.

I am not a social butterfly. Put bluntly, I am an introvert and while I am naturally positive and serene when surrounded by Mother Nature, and companion animals, I am easily stressed by contact with the negative energy frequently surrounding other people. I love my family and friends but can only handle them in positive situations or limited doses. Bottom line: I am an emotional wimp.

To feel my best, I need nutritious food such as salads, fruit and beef or oily fish, but emotionally I can only handle that as a pure regimen for 6-12 months using maximum willpower. In order to avoid explosive junk food binges, I appear to need reasonable daily doses of the items my lifelong conditioning defines as "comfort."

Exactly what am I doing, you ask? I sip a couple mugs of coffee each morning--coffee that includes CoffeeMate liquid creamer. I'd prefer to use organic whole cream and quality honey but can't afford it. I've found coffee depresses my appetite for several hours and is soothing. For the remainder of the day, I drink ice water or carbonated water or 1 cup soda diluted into a 3-cup mug topped with water.

In late morning, I eat a meal that's usually 3 courses: fruit, salad and entree. My meals include meat but otherwise are some combination of vegetables, tubers, legumes and grains. Since my fruit and salad portions are large, my main meal portions are generous but not huge. I use oil and vinegar on my salads and thankfully that's my personal preference.

Within 2 hours after my meal, while I am physically full but subject to emotional cravings, I have a treat. One week it might be chips or pretzels, another week it could be mini-Snickers bars and another week ice cream. In other words, whatever I'm most craving but only one kind of processed food and I must be full when I eat it.

I limit myself to one coffee--meal--treat cycle per day. I don't feel physical hunger but I do (at present at least) still feel strong cravings for junk food in late afternoon and evening. I try to shift the cravings into anticipation of the next day's food and that's been working well. Discipline is still required, but not extreme willpower and not for extended periods--like forever.

The result of this compromise--so far--is that my GI tract is again happy, my energy level has rebounded and I'm not obsessing about a massive junk food binge. After all, I'll be having another treat tomorrow.