And yet I am. After a life of binge eating and yo-yo dieting, it appears I've finally found the solution in ancestral eating. It took months, but I can now "hear" the signals my body gives when I eat good/bad things.
I've done so well in 2011 that I deliberately chose to splurge for the holidays. In the past, I had to be perfect on any diet because the first time I "fell off the wagon" it was the beginning of a binge that lasted until I regained all my weight back and then continued on to an even higher weight. I need to know if that has really changed. So, on November 15th I officially declared an "open eating" season.
So far, so good, but I'd be lying if I pretended not to be nervous about the upcoming end of open season on January 3rd.
On the good side, I have had a specific treat or two on a given day rather than anything close to a binge and I have comfortably had no treats at all on many days. I made a bad choice when I tested my wheat tolerance with shortbread, but home-made eggnog and 85% chocolate were fine. I even ate ice cream once and nothing terrible happened. Extra fruit on my yogurt has just been extra fruit. On the bad side, though, I have been thinking about food more and have noticed that I'm feeling cravings late in the day sometimes although I easily ignore them.
So here I stand, knowing I can either turn and walk away toward the healthy ancestral eating that resulted in the loss of half my excess body fat OR I can throw myself off the cliff and dive into bags and boxes of processed foods. Obviously, my rational side fully intends to turn and walk away but that other, compulsive and self-destructive side is hovering near the edge.
Why did I put myself at risk? Well, I want it all. I want to have an occasional treat and still reach and maintain a normal weight. I want to know that my inner shadows are under control. I want to be able to relax and celebrate major holidays confident in the knowledge that I can and will return to sensible eating.
January 3rd is coming. We'll see what happens then.